My Inner Demon

Were now at the point of my life that I can barely remember. The only way I can explain it is that I hated that part of my life so badly that I ripped those memories out of my head. And in those years, my Inner Demon, or as Christopher Titus says, my Inner Retard was born. This is the voice that constantly beats you down, that tells you you're never good enough, that laughs in your face at the worst mistakes.

Dad and Stepmom #2 (There's another I didn't mention yet, hold your horses) got us to the house midday, sometime in Summer/Fall. I brought my Harry Potter books with me. Low and behold I was told Christians don't believe in Harry Potter. Well, this was a new thing. I never paid any attention to religion in my life before that so I was just was confused as all hell. I also couldn't watch or do anything involving Pokemon or Yu-Gi-Oh or Digimon. Nothing like that. Because it was against some guy named Jesus who was supposedly some big shot up in the sky who gave his life for all of humanities sins. But watching WWE and playing Need For Speed was okay. What messed up world did I get transported to?

Well here is where the shit hit the fan for me. Me and Sis got a Stepbrother as part of being members of this new family. Don't get me wrong, I love my Stepbro to the death, but he was an odd one. Not only were we now part of this family, we were later inducted into a 'family' known as Christianity. We had a family reunion every Sunday to talk about Big Shot #1 & #2 in the sky. I tried reading the bible once during a sermon, and I was confused as to where a story ended and where the next one began. It's like I had in my hands the stories of multiple deranged people they had colloborate on a book in a mental institution. I couldn't wrap my head around it.

And then they had church for kids. The church had a basement, I'm not even kidding. We went down there and learned about Jesus and God through minor teachings and movies, including Vegetales. You know when you begin to realize you don't like what's happening around you but you refuse to change it? That was me with Church and religion in general. I didn't want to go after one sitting. I was done with the adults mumbo jumbo about some dude being the all-time greatest guy that ever lived and his dad created the world. It's not even his real Dad! Joseph was his dad, because there was no way in hell he did not bang Mary once.

So I literally went through every Sunday blind and deaf, not caring to hear a single word about this religion stuff. It just wasn't for me. That and the Vegetales movies weren't even that good. That, and in my mind Spiderman could kick Jesus' butt. Jesus could walk on water, and Soiderman took down the Green Goblin with spider abilities. I didn't say it'd be a fair fight.

So apart from ignoring religion, I went to school. I learned to play Violin, which I've recently thought about pursuing again. I also was in the 3rd grade. And in the 3rd grade was when the bullying started. I got bullied hardcore in recess, pushed on the ground, taunted with words, laughed at for wearing glasses. I think I got hit a few times too but I never told anyone. I didn't want to fight back. Almost every class I'd hide in the bathroom for 10 minutes praying (the one thing I took from church) to be like Spiderman. So I could be an awesome smart guy without having to worry about getting bullied because I could dodge them. I also wouldn't be in school anymore if I was Spiderman. Being a Super Hero was a full time job right? I didn't even know what a job was really.

It was around the 4th grade that I met this wonderful girl. We're gonna call her Lara, because Lara is a kickass name. So I REALLY liked Lara. We were friends almost instantly. She introduced me to her friends, I introduced her to my friends. We eventually became buddy buddy. Best Friends Forever. This is when I began to spiral out of control. I couldn't control myself around this girl. I felt like she was my rock. I had finally found the person I could be with and be myself. So I became myself, however in the back of my head there was a one act play going on. Where I thought I 'loved' Lara. Big word I know.

I remember writing on a music sheet stand something like "Me <3 Lara" or something like that. It was bad. You know when I told you I had begun to be myself? That was only half true. I became my angry obsessive self. You didn't see it often, but there were times when I just snapped. For example an 8th grader thought it would be hilarious to put a sign on my back saying Kick Me. So I turned around and kicked him in the balls when I heard him talking to his girlfriend about it. I should mention  this was 5th grade me now, and I was trying to be on the swim team, because I loved swimming. The swim team coach didn't put me on the team, so I got upset that day. That guy was in the wrong place at the wrong time.

Over time I tried to subdue my anger as best I could, but it was really hard. I refused to hang out with my sister, I stabbed my stepbrother in the forehead with a fork, I broke a glass window to strangle said stepbrother and his cousin when they taunted me from the other side. I punched a guy in the nose when I was sick of him and his buddies following me. He also stepped on my glasses a second before that. Douche deserved it.

Now this was the aggressive version of my Inner Demon. The part of me that was just sick of all these small terrible things adding up. And guess who I tried to make things better for myself with? Lara. When I look back on it now, I was becoming a little like my father, and it scares me to death that I went as far as I did. I won't go into detail, but it wasn't good. What I thought was a heartbreaking leave when my Mom finally got custody of me again, was a time for Lara to grow and understand that what I did crossed too many lines. We were fourteen the last time we saw each other and when I left, my obsession with her became much worse. I almost didn't break it.