Depression. I'd like to say that at one point in everyone's life that they've experienced some form or another of depression. This is of course not true, but if it was and more people persevered through it then it wouldn't be a topic that everyone is scared of or doesn't understand.
I tell people I had depression for about a year namely my first year of high school. Well, specifically that year was when I had contemplated suicide the most. That was me at my tipping point and I didn't even show it to people. That's what people with depression do. They don't want you to see them in pain. We're afraid of bothering you or maybe we just don't want someone's pity. I always had a fear of death, who doesn't? Thankfully when my mom reached out to me and I ended up going to therapy I was able to get pulled out away from the edge.
I went straight from the edge of the cliff to taking a needle and stabbing myself repeatedly. Now I should mention immediately that I don't mean that in the literal sense. I did not go stabbing myself. I did however do something which I consider worse than suicide: Self-hate. Your biggest obstacle is yourself and that ain't some silly little saying. It's the truth. I can't tell you how many times I cried tears for almost no reason. I would do my best to even hide it because I was crying over the fact that I couldn't get my shit together.
Since I was pulled out of the suicide phase, I've looked toward the future with daydreams of accomplishing amazing things and plans going smoothly. It actually distracts me from focusing on the now and I can't tell you how many times I just question why I can't stay focused in the present.
So the self hate went on for... a long time. I think I finally got out of my depression when I found my artistic abilities again. This time I had found them in one of the forms of entertainment that inspired me the most. However, the self hate is still there. I still call myself names, I still give myself looks of disappointment. Sometimes I'll say things I didn't mean and I can't take them back. There's no rewind button.
I wish I didn't hate myself for as long as I did. Sure I had a shell of happiness and a relaxed attitude... but that wasn't the real me. At least not completely. The only person I've actually confided to in completeness is my best friend. Great guy with a bright future ahead of him, but I digress. Don't let the self hate get to you. Don't bring yourself down and if you have to lean on the people closest to you, even with people that don't know you all too well. Some strangers are the nicest people I've met.
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