Maybe it's just my doubts. Maybe I'm just imagining these feelings. Maybe nothing's wrong at all. All the fucked up things that have happened to me and I'm somehow fine. Obviously people aren't perfect and I have my flaws. I'm still a positive person. I still strive to be better than I was yesterday and to inspire others. To teach kindness, joy and that emotions aren't a crutch. Yet here I am shaking as I type. They're only a crutch of you let them be... or you do what I do. Shut the world out and focus on yourself. Enjoy the time you have each day doing what you like to do and ignoring everything and everyone else. Something pisses you off you just shove it to the back of your mind. Something worries you, you don't bring it up. You pretend that everything is perfect and fine.
That what I do. I'm grateful that I've gotten as far as I have, but these doubts eat at my brain and my heart. I don't want the "Everything's going to work out talk." I feel like a hypocrite when I tell it to my friends. Me and one of my best friends joke that he has 20 masks. That everyone has a mask. I might have mentioned this once before. It's hard to convey into words what I'm trying to say. I am a hopeful guy. I want to rise above all my shortcomings.
But I don't. I hide behind them. I lie to the ones I love the most. I show a brave face to my several friends. I tell them everything is under control, that I've got it all worked out. I never did from the start. All this time I've only focused on my own happiness and although I care about others... I don't step forward. I don't face my problems. I don't crush my doubts and I don't fix my shortcomings. I wait until the last minute and freeze up. I fall back on those I know support me. This has been an ongoing fight. A fight between who I want to be and who I am.
I've always said I needed a therapist. When I had one in high school I felt like I had someone I could finally talk to... But I didn't talk. I didn't know how to share my feelings. I've always been scared of what people think of me. And every time I say I'm going to do something and then don't my heart cracks. Yet I keep doing it. I keep doing. I haven't stopped doing it. I don't know how to stop. I can never focus. I can never get my shit together. I've let down my friends, I can't talk to my family about the problems I have with them and everyday this Spring I've felt like instead of bringing her closer to me I've been pushing the love of my life away. She's told me she's an asshole. She's told me that I could never be an asshole.
My mom says that I'm like her. She tells her coworkers, her friends, our family... that I'm just like her. The only truth in that is looks. When I compare myself to my parents when it comes to personality, I fall back on my biological father. A guy who only cares about the day by day. Enjoying doing what he likes and nothing else. A good guy to hang out with but a terrible father. That's who I relate to and every time I lie, make a mistake, break a pro1mise and be a terrible person I look back at him. I'm just like him. I always think about myself first. ALWAYS! I can't tell you how much it pisses me off. But I can't stop it. I can't control it. I tell myself I'm not like him but I'm stuck acting like him behind everyone's back. I feel shameful and I am disappointed in every negative thing I do no matter how small.
To be honest with you, I want to stop. I want to stop time and take an eternity to figure out how to be better. How to change myself. Every time I come up with a plan it falls apart. All those times I said I had depression behind it all was this. An unstoppable force of a self loving asshat. All those times I cried for absolutely no fucking reason, all my breakdowns all those times I doubted myself was because of this. Because I aspire to be someone else... and I can't even take the first step. I take one step forward and two steps back.
Now a lot of family is going to read this. And they're going to say "You're not like that. You're a good person." For every good act I've done, I've been a shitty person 5 other times. You tell me I'm a good person and I aspire to be... But no one has met me. My best friend in the entire world knows how fucked up I am. He knows, practically feels, this inner fight I've had. And that I hate myself. That I want to be better. One of the reasons I don't talk a lot is because if I opened my mouth I'd be an asshole. For absolutely no reason. My blood boils to curse the world with obscenities and hate on everything.
I feel like I'm insane. The best I can do to fight being a terrible person is by being less of a terrible person. To not even be a person at all, just a guy isolated from everyone else. I don't want anyone to meet the terrible side of me because I don't want anyone to know it exists. It's a desire to be terrible for no reason. And instead of being terrible to others I turn it on myself. I beat myself up with words. I bash my head against desks when I make a mistake. I bottle up my anger and unleash it in an explosion of self hatred.
Why do I bring this up? I'm sick of hiding it. I'm scared I'm about to lose the love of my life. I don't know what to tell her and I don't know how to cross the bridge without it collapsing. I want her to know that I love her so much. That I think she's smart and funny, that I have a gut feeling that she's going to be an amazing person and that she already is. That seeing her warms my heart and I finally feel at peace. That I cry everytime she feels down. I can't be by her side every day and it kills me. And then everytime I'm with her I don't focus on her. I don't give her the attention she needs.
A guy like me can have a million good intentions, but they aren't worth anything if you don't do anything with them. All I've been doing is sitting on the bench and I don't know if I deserve to be out on the field. All I do is disappoint everyone I care about and they still have faith in me. They still care for the shitty person they don't even know exists because that shitty person wants to be better. But he doesn't have the balls to do anything about it.
I want to change who I am. I've told so many people that you have to make the change yourself... and I can't do it for myself. A wise man once said do or do not, there is no try. So I just have to stop trying... and just do it. And that's the hardest part.
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